Stephanie Calman

By Georgina Davidson

There is nothing more complicated than the mother-daughter relationship. A mother teaches her daughter how to be a woman - whether she likes it or not. Stephanie Calman explores this complex relationship in her new book, How (Not) to Murder your Mother, and now she is visiting Keswick for this year’s festival. 

As an author of five hugely successful books, Stephanie admits that writing was never her strong point and insists shehad no talent for 'creative writing' at school. The decision to turn it into a successful career came after her father, Mel Calman, a writer and cartoonist, got her reading James Thurber, SJ Perelman and a now unknown Canadian humorist called Stephen Leacock: “I read their pieces – non-fiction but clearly enhanced here and there, and thought how fantastic it would be to do that with your life”. 

Of course, her father himself was also an inspiration to become a writer, Stephanie adds: “They do say that if you grow up in a family that's a bit strange, that increases your chances. Both my parents wrote, so it wasn’t seen as an odd thing to do”. 

Stephanie says that she has got to where she is today due to two things: persistence, and the inability to do anything else, “If I had been better at drawing, or working in an office, or selling, I’d never have had to stick to writing so tenaciously.” She also confesses that she absolutely hates being bored.

Though she doesn’t write fiction, she loves reading it, deciding her favourite has to be Charles Dickens' Dombey & Son. “It affected me and stayed with me almost more than any other book. It has a great heroine, who fights all the odds to win the love of her father”.

A close second in her choice of novel is Elizabeth Gaskell's Wives and Daughters,“Her dialogue jumps off the page; it has nothing 'period' about it”.

However, regardless of this love for literature, Stephanie prefers to call her own books extended jokes, anecdotes if you like, even essays. “Making things up out of thin air makes me panic; I need truth.”

How (not) to Murder your Murder took around eight months to write. “I've got a bit faster over the years, which is just as well as I usually waste the first month drinking coffee and staring out of the window”.

Her books are full of descriptive anecdotes that everyone can relate to in some way. Stephanie reveals that her favourite memories are a mix of extremes; Christmases and birthdays were great, and her parents were very loving. On the other hand her mother and father split up when she was five after several bad years, and then she lived part-time in a very dysfunctional step-family. “I'll be writing about that to some extent in my next book – with jokes, of course”.

Since completing her first book, Gentlemen Prefer my Sister, in 1984, Stephanie has had a flourishing and exciting career. She even created a successful Channel 4 sitcom – Dressing for Breakfast – based on her second book of the same name, which ran for three successful series’ during the 1990's.

As a freelance journalist, she has appeared in many prestigious newspapers most notably, her regular column Happy Families which appears in the Daily Telegraph. Here she talks about her family life in her hilarious witty writing style. Stephanie recalls:  “Years ago, I was telling a friend about a date I’d been on that went embarrassingly wrong. It was a grim tale, but after I’d finished she laughed. I suspected from that moment that I would never do well as a tragedian.”

Some might say this is a busy enough schedule, but not Stephanie. She has also found time to create the hugely popular website http://www.badmothersclub.com. This was created to be a place where people can express their true feelings about parenting, families, relationships and life in general.

Stephanie reveals where she got the idea. “A mother at the school gate was saying that to save time she put her kids to bed in their uniforms and gave them chocolate for breakfast in the car. I suddenly realised that I wasn’t the only one ‘cheating’ and muddling along”.

The website provoked a huge response. Within a month of the launch in 2003 it had been in the Daily Mail and Stephanie had been on television. “It caught the zeitgeist, which was that women were starting to get very fed up with the pressure to be happy, fulfilled and perfect 24 hours a day”.

The website also has an extract of the new book,a chapter Stephanie chose because it delivers the perfect ironic situation: “My mother and I signed her Power of Attorney document several years ago – i.e. the piece of paper you need when the parent loses their marbles – only I was the one who forgot we'd done it”.

As she has never been to Words by the Water before, Stephanie is looking forward to the festival. “It will be a huge treat. Most of my gigs are in libraries or bookshops, or on one memorable occasion, a leisure centre in Wales where they didn't put up a sign so people just wandered in and out, mainly looking for the bar”.

Ever since the release of Stephanie’s previous book, Confessions of a Bad Mother, audience participation has been a key element in what she does. Stephanie Calman will be speaking at Words by the Water on Saturday 28 February and will be inviting questions and discussion after her reading. Is there any chance she might want to stay?

“Sadly, no. Cumbria is very beautiful and the people are lovely, but I could never leave London. Away from the heaving, multicultural metropolis I would wither and die. I get homesick very quickly”.

If it isn't obvious from her books, Stephanie is very honest and is not afraid to speak her mind. What does she have planned for the future?“To keep bread on the table, remain married and stay friends with my children”.